The Legion
Review
By: Chris Woo
Director: Scott Stewart
Writer: Peter Schink and Scott Stewart
Actors: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Dennis Quaid, Tyrese Gibson, Adrianne Palicki, Charles S. Dutton, and Kevin Durand.
The motto of the show, as it was often preached by the Archangel Michael (Bettany), was to “have faith”. After previewing the show, I have faith that this film will never reach the Oscars even if you burn every last movie yet to be released. When angels look like American Gladiators with wings, I have faith that the audience will ask themselves if they should have watched The Tooth Fairy (2010) instead. And when you have the world Apocalypse jammed in a pathetic, godforsaken town in New Mexico with only three recurring mise-en-scene – restaurant, desert and crappy-looking cars – you’ll never once question your faith in mediocre productions.
The Legion is a horror story (in every sense of the word) that dulls the senses of the audience past the first forty-minutes. The best parts of the film were found in the trailer and stayed in the trailer. In précis, The Legion tells the story of God being mightily pissed-off at his talking-monkeys because humans have lost their humanity to Gucci, oil and artificial intelligence. He sends a memo to the archangels which basically state “Exterminate the vermin”… and the baby in Charlie’s (Palicki) stomach. Now, for Apocalypse-loving aficionados, you would expect rain of fire, earthquakes, tsunamis and a touch of demons from hell eating the innocent. Instead, we got two things: a cloud of flies and angels who looked exactly like zombies. When was the last time you saw a sleep-walking angel with black-eyes and bad dental care? Look no further. You can tell your grandchildren it was in 2010.
If slothful and totally un-cool angels were not enough to make you bleed in your seat, the archangel Michael made an ecclesiastical mimicry of Jean-Claude Van Damme. Angels obviously don’t speak much nor do they need to since their six-pack does most of the chit-chatting. And even m
ore ridiculously outfitted was Gabriel (Durand) who bulged and distended so painfully on screen, he looked like he was suffering from a full-body hernia.
While the costume design department and lead actors didn’t win any kudos from the audience, there were two memorable moments in the film worth mentioning. The first was a wrinkled and kind demeanour of an old lady who ate at Paradise Falls (the restaurant). When the angel possessed her, the audience was treated with a foul-mouthed grandma who shocked the audience with her wall-climbing dexterity and the four-letter “C” word. Then later down the scenes, an apocalypse bearing, ice-cream truck came trudging down the dusty landscapes. Again, we were treated to the intricate transformation of Mr. Cornetto as his limbs stretched and elongated into a four-legged spider man. But who am I kidding? You saw all this in the trailer already.
The cinephile will tell you that this film does not exceed any convention of the angels and demons genre, even if it did set the end of the world in the micro-cosmic dust bowl of No Man’s Land. The film is reminiscent of Gregory Widen’s The Prophesy (1995) whereby the angels were sent to Earth to kill the child that would stop a heavenly war. While The Prophesy had Christopher Walken and an amazing scriptwriter, The Legion has testosterone pumped angels who kept ruffling their feathers to amuse us.
For supernatural fans of all that is good and evil, this film is a Terminator shoot-out that has as much supernatural-ness as the Ghost Whisperer (TV series) with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the lead. I wouldn’t even wait for the DVD. @
Popcorn Rating: 1/5
